The 65th Primetime Emmy Awards

Storyline

Neil Patrick Harris walks to hosting, escorted by a security guard...CBS (Viacom) head honcho Les Moonves. NPH prepares to watch an entire season of TV, including Jessica Lange singing the "Name Game" from "American Horror Story," and then harsh criticism from the judges of "X Factor," "America's Got Talent, "The Voice," and "American Idol." He talks to characters from all your favorite shows, explaining that he loves TV, in part because it's educational (cut to a clip of "Duck Dynasty" with an explanation of how to make a duck call). The clips offer encouragement, including Sam Waterston from "The Newsroom" commanding him to "Figure it out," and Alec Baldwin from "30 Rock," telling him he'll be watching. Then Walter White from "Breaking Bad," in full Heisenberg form, asking NPH if he's ready.... The bit ends and NPH takes the stage. "Tonight we celebrate the best of television. For our younger audience, that's that thing you watch on your phones," he says. And we're off! Tonight we're celebrating the programs that made us laugh, made us cry and, "for the front row, made them rich." Cut to Alec Baldwin, looking wealthy. He mentions again all the places you can watch TV, including phones and computers. "As a matter of fact, right now I'm actually watching 'American Horror Story: Asylum' on my contact lenses -- aaahhhh!" The big screens behind him show stills as he mentions there's something for everyone. For every mad man (Don Draper), there's a mad woman (Carrie from "Homeland). For every Walter White, there's an "Orange is the New Black." "Or, as Paula Deen now has to call it, 'Orange is the new African-American," he says. "Too soon?" From the audience, someone shouts out that he's doing great. It's last year's host, Jimmy Kimmel. He applauds the tone NPH is setting. NPH begins talking again, and Jimmy bounds out of his seat and up to the stage. He offers some unsolicited advice, that NPH should look around and "enjoy every second of this, because there's a good chance they won't ask you back next year," Kimmel says. "They didn't ask Jane Lynch, is what I'm saying," Kimmel says, as Jane Lynch joins them on stage. "I wasn't asked back because I'm a woman," she says. "Jane, c'mon, I don't think anyone who watched you host that night thought of you as a woman," NPH says. "I'm going to show you right now, on this stage, how much of a woman I am, Harris," she says, getting close to our host. "I wouldn't like it, Lynch," he says. "I would like it less," she says. The moment totally devoid of sexual tension is interrupted by Jimmy Fallon, jogging out on stage. He tells NPH to do a song and dance thing and flails like he's tap dancing. "I'm not going to do anything like that. That is far too gay," Neil says. "I think you're all forgetting a simple fact, I hosted the Emmys before all of you," he says. "Not before me you didn't," says an offstage voice, and we're joined by Conan O'Brien, who sets the scene. It was 2002, "Back then Emmy broadcast was watched by over 900 billion people," Conan says, and continues exaggerating about the glory days. He laments the amateur state of the hosts today, "hoping to get a selfie with the guys from 'Duck Dynasty.'" The action on stage goes silent, and someone from the audience turns to address the camera from his seat. It's Kevin Spacey, in character as the scheming Francis Underwood from "House of Cards." "It's all going according to my plan. I was promised the hosting job this year, and they turned me down. They said they wanted someone more likable. Really? Look at that parade of blabbering buffoons. They couldn't host a child's birthday party. Getting them all to sabotage Neil was almost too easy, but I believe the cherry on the proverbial Sunday is about to be served...." Spacey/Underwood says. Neil asks all the past hosts to clear the stage and prepares to resume, until he's interrupted by Oscars hosts Tina Fey and Amy Pohler, who advise him to take his pants off and twerk. "I come to the awards shows for the twerking," Tina says, munching on popcorn. Neil says he won't do it because it's degrading. "Yea," Amy says, "but we would be de-grateful." He asks why they're wearing 3D glasses. "So I can see your business up close," Tina jaws. They suggests America wants to see him with his pants off, but he suggests they show us what America wants by (hello, segue!) presenting the first award. They drop their characters and take the stage, with Amy falling up the stairs Jennifer Lawrence-style. They're presenting best supporting actress in a comedy. "Tina and I would love to take a moment to talk about the hardworking women in this category, unfortunately we're being told that the show is already 25 minutes over," Amy says. The Emmy goes to Merritt Wever (who appears to curse in total shock when she hears her name). On stage, she tries to take a moment to compose herself. "Thank you so much. (Pause.) Thank you so much. (Longer Pause.) I gotta go, bye," she says, and walks off. Neil's back, or for those of you watching on DVR, he never left. "Merrit Wever, best speech ever," he says to applause. "Next, please give it up for hip hip legends LL Cool J and Malin Ackerman," he says. They introduce clips from the nominees for comedy writing, in which they're asked: Who's funnier, you or your writing partner. Louie C.K. says Pamela Adlon might be. She deadpans that she's a million times funnier, "but so is a bag of anything." Who's your favorite character to write for? "I would have to say the city of New York herself," says a 30 Rock writer, who then gets cold cocked by Tina Fey. Greg Daniels of "The Office," says Rainn Wilson, and praises his genius, as Ed Helms listens nearby. The "Episodes" scribes hem and haw, until Matt LeBlanc is revealed next to them, and they say Matt. Tina Fey, in her taped bit says, "No, that's going to get cut for time, I'm not doing that." The winner is Tina Fey and Tracey Wigfield for "30 Rock." Tracey thanks her parents. "I know you're disappointed because you love Louie," she says. Tina takes the award, telling Tracey she's not allowed to talk. Tina thanks her partner Robert Carlock. Sisters Zooey Deschanel ("New Girl") and Emily Deschanel ("Bones") are out next to present Outstanding Actor in a Comedy Series, including the dad on Modern Family, the gay dad on Modern Family and the slightly older dad on Modern Family. Tony Hale wins for "Veep." "Even to be on a list with those guys is crazy humbling, this is mind blowing," he says. He thanks his family and his cast and management, reading off his list. The music starts and he crams in a shout out to a tiny theater called Young Actor's Theater in Tallahassee, Florida that encouraged him. Robin Williams is out next to pay tribute to Jonathan Winters. He told Winters once he was his mentor and Winters said: "Please, I prefer 'idol.'" He describes Winter's famous routine using just a stick that he did on Johnny Carson. He tells about a time on set on "Mork and Mindy" Winters did a bit with so many characters that went on so long all three cameras ran out of film. Riffing with Winters was like dancing with Fred Astaire, Williams says, then bids farewell to the big guy. When we're back, NPH welcomes "my biological parents, Jon Hamm and Alec Baldwin." (Jon Hamm has a full beard so lustrous it's worth noting.) Alec explains his Jack Donaughy was based on Jon. And Jon says his alcoholic, sex addicted lying Don Draper is based on everyone else in Hollywood. They're presenting best actress in a comedy series. Julia Louis-Dreyfus wins for "Veep." Her co-star Tony Hale follows her on stage and takes her purse, standing behind her, like he does on the show, looking nervous. She thanks all the right people. Tony leans in and reminds her to thank her family, then prompts her to say she loves them. She thanks all of her costars by name, conspicuously (intentionally) leaving Hale out. (Cut to costar Anna Chlumsky texting in the audience, presumably also in character.) Will Arnett and Margo Martindale are out next to recap the winners for guest actor and actress, presented last week. She starts to plug their new CBS show "The Millers," but he says it's not a good time. "Oh, excuse me. I didn't mean to embarrass you on your big night of presenting awards to other people," she says. She's sure his integrity will be a big consolation to all their crew who need their jobs to feed their family. He deadpans a plug for the show, calling it the best thing that's ever been on TV. Melissa Leo, who won for "Louie" is out to present next. (Bob Newhart won for "Big Bang Theory.") She's presenting Outstanding Directing in a Comedy. Gail Mancuso wins for "Modern Family" (only the second time a woman has won the category). "Oh my god, this is the happiest night of my life," she says, acknowledging her family. She thanks her kids for the playlist they made for the drive over. On the way home it's no more "Poker Face," and all "Blurred Lines," she tells them. She's thanking an eighth grade teacher for opening her eyes to all the possibilities out there when the music starts playing her off. Jimmy Kimmel and Sofia Vergara are out next, to debunk why laughter isn't the best medicine. Including, you could laugh so hard you choke. It's actually the worst medicine. So they introduce the "best murderer" in a comedy series. (Outstanding Lead Actor.) The Emmy goes to Jim Parsons for "The Big Bang Theory." "I want you to know how exceedingly fortunate I am, first to have the chance to do this role, in this show....and secondly to be here, to be a part of such a phenomenal group of people," he says. He starts to get choked up. "It's so silly to be emotional, isn't it?" he says, before thanking their director and the cast. He says he loves his agent, his manager and "my favorite person on earth, Todd Spiewak." Next, the sad music starts in as we pan over to Rob Reiner to memorialize Jean Stapleton, his "All in the Family" costar. He talks about Norman Lear's decision to kill off Edith Bunker in 1980 and how it resonated when Jean died this year. He quotes Archie Bunker: "You had no right to leave me that way without giving me one more chance to say I love you." When we return, Matt Damon and Michael Douglas acknowledge a legendary pianist who dominated Las Vegas and the world, not the Liberace they starred in a movie about, but Elton John, whom they introduce. Elton talks about how Liberace influenced him (and his fashion sense) and introduces his new song "Home Again." (He's wearing a bejeweled blue blazer that appears to say "Fantastic.") He plays with a band and chorus. When he finishes, he throws it back to Matt and Michael who introduce the nominees for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Musical. Laura Linney wins for "The Big C: Hereafter." (She's not there.) We return to a recorded bit with serious faces from NPH's "How I Met Your Mother" costars Cobie Smulders, Josh Radnor and Alyson Hannigan, addressing a serious illness called EHD, Excessive Hosting Disorder. They call out NPH, who comes out singing in a top hat and tails. "What's going on, Josh? I'm ready to rock/I got me some dancers, I'll show you my c...'mon (stop singing). Where's my top hat?" The symptoms of EHD appear in a "host" of ways, Josh says. Cut to a scene from "HIMYM" in which Barney (NPH) is nominating his conquests for Arbor Day. Then Jason Segel tells a bleak story about walking in on NPH naked, "hosting himself." In "HIMYM" fashion, they host an intervention, with Arsenio Hall. Josh Radnor explains that if someone you care about suffers from EHD, there is hope. "At the Ryan Seacrest Center for Excessive Hosting, in Malibu," Cobie says. Orderlies take Neil away. Then Arsenio volunteers to step in for the Emmys, and the orderlies take him, too. A contact screen for the Ryan Seacrest Center appears on the screen with fine print, the end of which says: "If you are reading this and believe EHD is a real affliction, you might be suffering from Acute Parody Blindness. If so, contact the Mel Brooks Center for Humor in Catskills, NY." Connie Britton and Blair Underwood are out next to present best writing for a drama. The Emmy goes to Henry Bromell for "Homeland." The room goes quiet as Connie informs the audience that Henry tragically died earlier this year. His widow comes out and somberly accepts the award. On to supporting actress in a drama, including Anna Gunn (whose show "Breaking Bad" is airing at this very moment). She better not say anything about what happens in tonight's episode. She thanks "Breaking Bad" mad genius Vince Gilligan. She barely gets to acknowledge her costars when the music stars to play her off. Then it's a rough segue to Jane Lynch memorializing Cory Monteith who died this summer of a drug overdose. She calls him a "beautiful soul." She tells the viewers who loved him, he was worthy of their love. NPH is back and says he's getting tweets asking him why he's not dancing. He says he's more than a song and dance man. But on the other hand.... He starts singing and dancing, "The Number in the Middle of the Show." Nathan Fillion and Sarah Silverman join him for the disco themed song with the Emmy Gold Dancers. Sample Nathan lyric: "You can't spell 'cameo' without 'me.'" Then Sarah: "We're completely live/So I'm really gonna try/To not say 'vagina' on TV!" NPH wraps it up with a "sorry dudes, I just couldn't help myself." Mindy Kaling and Stephen Ammell are out next (with a busted Teleprompter and DOA bit) to introduce best reality show. "The Voice" wins. Mark Burnett accepts. Mindy Kaling and Stephen Amell are out next (with a busted Teleprompter and DOA bit) to introduce best reality show. "The Voice" wins. Mark Burnett accepts and thanks a bunch of people in show business and then asks the viewers to help them stay the number one show with young people. Out next are Diahann Carroll and Kerry Washington. Carroll was the first African-American Emmy nominee ever. "The men are much more beautiful than when I was doing television," she says. "I don't know where you came from, but I'm very happy to see you." She reads something talking about how Emmy has changed in 50 years. She introduces Kerry Washington saying she's lovely and "she better get this award." Kerry introduces Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama. Bobby Cannavale wins for "Boardwalk Empire." He seems genuinely stunned. "I didn't write anything down," he says, saying it's an honor just to be in the category and fellow nominee Mandy Patinkin was the first person he ever saw on stage. "But you know what, I have a family, so let me thank them." He thanks show creator Terrance Winter and Mr. Scorsese because, well, you know. He mentions the weirdest first day of work he's ever had on set, beating someone to death with four different kinds of rubber wrenches. He wraps up, thanking the love of his life, Rose Byrne. Next out, Julianna Margulies and Dylan McDermott introduce Outstanding Actor in a Drama. The winner is Jeff Daniels for "The Newsroom." "Well crap," he begins, then says he usually doesn't win things. The last thing he won was from the AARP for "Best Actor over 50." "With all due respect to the AARP, this is better," he says. He wraps by acknowledging show creator Aaron Sorkin. Then we go to a clip of Walter Cronkite announcing the death of John F. Kennedy. Don Cheadle is out next to talk about TV news and the impact it has in national tragedies and healing. He mentions the Beatles historic appearance on Ed Sullivan, watched by 74 million people. Noting the way TV makes music stars today, he introduces Carrie Underwood, who's there to sing something acknowledging TV's power. She sings the Beatles "Yesterday." Next, Neil introduces the accountants of Ernst & Young. (Bob Newhart joins them to wave at the audience, just getting laughs with his perfect rubbery face.) Out next, Jimmy Fallon introduces Outstanding Actress in a Drama Series (doing a bit with his microphone going up and down the whole time he's talking). The winner is Claire Danes for "Homeland." She immediately thanks their writers, including the late Henry Bromell, who won earlier. Then she thanks her cast and crew, and finally her husband, "thank you for making me so whole and so happy, so I can be so unhappy in the land of make believe." Dean Norris and Emilia Clarke are out next to recap the Creative Arts Emmy ceremony, including the nominees for guest actor and actress in a drama. The winners were Dan Bucatinsky and Carrie Preston. They introduce Outstanding Directing in a Drama Series, which goes to David Fincher for "House of Cards." (He's not there.) Jim Parsons and Bob Newhart, both winners for "The Big Bang Theory" are up next to present. Jim notes that Bob's guest actor win last week was his first Emmy win. He gets a standing ovation. They introduce Outstanding Writing for a Variety Show. The Colbert Report writers appear as if spied on by the NSA, The Daily Show goes with all Muppet representations, Jimmy Kimmel gets Oprah herself to introduce the writers. Portlandia gets people to cheer at a show, Bill Maher just uses clips from "Toddlers and Tiaras" and Saturday Night Live uses background people from the end-of-season Stephon marries Seth Meyers bit. The Emmy goes to the team from "The Colbert Report." "Wow, the Emmys are so good this year," Stephen says. He thanks the writers who give him "stupid" things to say and thanks anyone who's willing to come on and "talk to that stupid person I play." On to the award for Directing in a Variety series, which goes to Don Roy King for "Saturday Night Live." He points out his 16 year old high school daughter and his 93 year old aunt, and raves about his job. Transition to Michael J. Fox to talk about Gary David Goldberg, the creator of "Family Ties" and "Spin City," who died this year. He notes that he can hear Gary on reruns of their shows -- literally, because his laugh was so distinctive. NPH returns, saying that since 1955 there's been a category for best Choreography, but the nominees have never been shown during the show. He introduces a taped bit in which he presents the challenge to the psyched choreographers. Then it's time for the routine, which starts off with him singing "Luck Be a Lady" and segues to tiny dances in the style of each of the nominated shows. Boardwalk Empire segues into a brief Daft Punk "Get Lucky." Half the audience stands in appreciation. Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum, the winners for Outstanding Reality Hosts, present the award for choreography, which goes to Derek Hough for "Dancing with the Stars." He thanks his family and the show's cast and the Emmys for inviting them to the party. Next, NPH introduces his costars Alyson Hannigan and Cobie Smulders to introduce Outstanding Variety Series. The award goes to "The Colbert Report." "As I said before, it's sort of a cliché to say that it's an honor just to be nominated. But it's more than that, it's also a lie. This is way better," Stephen says. He thanks Jon Stewart for suggesting he be a "professional idiot." He thanks the network and his mom for not worrying about him, and believing that he'd be OK. Next, Edie Falco is out to recognize her "Sopranos" costar James Gandolfini, saying he had "tremendous heart and warmth" and was "uniquely generous" and nothing like Tony Soprano. She gets choked up, saying it's "Jim, the man," not the actor, whom she'll miss most of all. When the show comes back, Neil says: "This just in -- no one in America is winning their Emmy office pool. Lots of surprises." (Which is a nice way of saying that "Breaking Bad" is getting hosed.) Up next, Anna Faris and Allison Janney to present Outstanding Writing for a Miniseries or Drama, which goes to Abi Morgan for "The Hour." She's British and mentions that when she was coming through immigration, the agent didn't believe she was coming to the Emmys, but now she has proof. Next, Outstanding Actor for Miniseries. The Emmy goes to James Cromwell for "American Horror Story: Asylum." He begins by acknowledging his fellow nominees, and says something mysterious to Elsa, telling her boys "it worked." Kaley Cuoco is out next with the Chairman of the academy. (When the camera gets in the face of Kevin Spacey in the audience, he takes out his notes and swats it.) They talk about all the things the Academy does, which nobody in the audience could recap in a pop quiz. They wrap up with the final (long) "In Memoriam" segment with others who died this year, including Dennis Farina, Larry Hagman, Lee Thompson Young, Roger Ebert and many others. When we return, Mark Harmon and Andre Braugher to present Best Directing for a Miniseries, Movie or Special. The Emmy goes to Steven Soderbergh for "Behind the Candelabra," who acknowledges all of his crew but says that without Michael Douglas and Matt Damon "we don't have a movie." The award for Best Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie is next and goes to Ellen Burstyn for "Political Animals." She thanks everyone who voted for her and says she's glad she was on screen long enough this time. She thanks the writer, Greg Berlanti, "who had the wisdom to write a woman, over 65, who still had a lot of juice." Bryan Cranston and Claire Danes are up next to present Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries. He congratulates her on her win and she has an awkward pause over his loss. The Emmy goes to Michael Douglas for "Behind the Candelabra." Michael Douglas begins his speech with an unintended double entendre. "This was a two-hander," he says, saying you're only as good as the other hand. Addressing Matt Damon in the audience, with his award: "You deserve half of this, so do you want the bottom or the top?" He also thanks his wife Catherine and his son Cameron, saying he hopes he'll be allowed to see him soon (he's in prison). Next, the nominees for Outstanding Miniseries or Movie, which goes to "Behind the Candelabra." Producer Jerry Weintraub accepts, thanking his team. (The show is four minutes over at this point.) Will Ferrell is out to present the final awards of the night, bringing what appears to be his three sons in soccer gear. He's wearing T-shirt and shorts. He says Helen Mirren and Dame Maggie Smith dropped out at the last minute and they called him 45 minutes ago and he couldn't find childcare. "We had a soccer game, there was a neighbor's party, a nut allergy; I didn't have time to do my hair, it doesn't matter, it's great to be here." He introduces the nominees for Outstanding Comedy. The Emmy goes to "Modern Family." Creator Steven Levitan references the In Memoriam bits. "This may be the saddest Emmys of all time, but we couldn't be happier," he says. He does some thanking, then says: "I cannot begin to express to you how surreal this ride has been, because none of us grew up feeling like winners. So thank you to the bullies, to the popular kids, to the gym teachers, who taunted us, who rejected us, who made fun of the way we ran. Without you we never would have gone into comedy!" Will Ferrell is back and (after telling his middle son he should have gone backstage and will have to hold it) introduces the nominees for Outstanding Drama Series. The Emmy goes to "Breaking Bad." Vince Gilligan, the creator, takes the mike. "Holy crap. I did not see this coming." He thanks his cast, Bryan Cranston, Albuquerque and his wife. And that's it.